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[I don't know what generation we are]
I suddenly realized, it's almost here. I have 8 days left to work at a job a loathe, and yet, suddenly, all I can think of is all that I've done okay, and things that I am thankful that I am not.
For example, I'm glad that I'm not going to be working at this job that I loathe for the rest of my life. I am thankful that I never let myself fall for the boy that I still wish I would have fallen for. For that matter, I'm thankful I never let myself fall for those who could have taken his place. I am thankful that I have never moved home, no matter how easy I thought it may have been. I'm thankful I never hurt anyone's feelings intentionally. I'm thankful that I have started to learn that its okay if I hurt someone unintentionally. I'm thankful I became addicted to cigarettes, and I'm thankful for the law that banned them from bars. I'm thankful I have never encountered murder, and that I do not understand how to rationalize it. I'm thankful that my mother went through her second childhood while I was going through mine. I am thankful my father wasn't there when I wanted him most.
I know all these things might seem cruel, but they are actually strength. I have had such a lucky life, why should I berate myself so? Why should I think that one or another's viewpoint means one thing or another, or anything at all? It makes me happy to believe that there is something out there that will make me happy. It makes happy to believe that I am going to do real, actual, tangible good when I'm there. It makes me happy to believe that I am launching others into their promised goals, only because I am leaving and it makes them question what their whole deal is.
I know that I seem solipsistic, and maybe narcissistic, but I believe some things are good. There are times that I wonder what I could have done more, why certain people hate me, and why I haven't understood it enough to just let it go ... but that will be something that will fade with time anyway. I believe in redemption, even when the person at fault has done nothing wrong. I believe in it, despite it all.
I don't know if all of this makes me more or less selfish, but I hope that by tomorrow, at least, I will be sure that it's the latter. Nothing can fix the way I feel inside, there's no way that a word or a song or a friendly thought will affect my attitude until I change it myself. I'm the one who has to decide whether to sink, swim or float. The only thing I know for sure, at least, is that I won't give up.
It's swim or die. Fuck floating.
[you know, the most recent one, something about the 2000s]
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