[Down on the corner]
This snow really isn't kidding. I ended up tromping around in it tonight (on an adventure) and I noticed it in my calves like I do on a hot summer day walking in the sand by the beach. And just like in those times, I always end up envying the dogs.
Anyway, I'm going through some change again and I thought it best to trumpet empty promises into cyberspace over it. I guess they won't really be empty if I follow through, but it's hard to pin a person down on that stuff, like that one kid who got the straight edge tattoos when they were 17 and now they have to lie all the time and say they still dig them. The promises consist mainly of writing more, though that doesn't necessarily mean here, either. I'm a quarter of the way through laying out my zine, so I figure it's about time that I just fucking finish it, right?
But that kind of opens a can of worms. After seeing some friends last weekend I got the strongest sense that I'm not who I was before, and whoever this new person is, she isn't welcome at that particular table in the cafeteria anymore. I know that's not true, that my mind blows things out of proportion about 2.3 times a day, so this is probably just a mega-load, but it still got me to thinking and, in that way, I suppose I owe these people a bit of a thank you.
I don't want to be who I used to be. I want to grow and change constantly, I want priorities to match what is most important in my life and I want to use every talent that I've been given as much as I possibly can. Well, without ever meaning to, I'm sure, this group's reaction to me the other night got me to thinking that it's not that I've changed that would bother anyone. I'm still me, and everyone changes. Nor is it that my priorities are fucked up, because they aren't. It's the last one, and it's got the scarlet letter 'L' for Lazy written all over it. I should just emblazon it on my jacket — come see the laziest person from here to Calcutta! That's right folks, step up and get close enough to touch talent but never see it! Watch her waste away, it won't take too long!
It's all a big joke, and after a day or two of brooding and feeling sorry for myself I realized that it isn't all that bad. I've come to think that the "bad" in the idea of not appreciating the good if you never have the bad simply means bad times. It's not true. In this case, for instance, the bad is a few months of summer and fall slipping through my young fingers and falling hard into the pit of winter sloth. A lot of things have happened over the last few months that I haven't really wanted to deal with, so I've drowned out the thoughts of them with alcohol and forgot my lonely mood.
And for awhile, I didn't even get bored. It always takes a few days for the kid who gets sick and is excited to stay home from school to realize that staying home fucking blows and so does the Montel Williams show.
Well, now I am bored, and I have had a mirror thrown up to my morose and lackluster self, and I haven't liked the reflection. So, that's it then — I can change. Oh, and nevermind that part I said earlier about empty promises. These things take time, so just give me a minute. I've never been a sprinter.
And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
You'll be happy
[You're weak but not giving in ... not even to this effing snow]