I miss the days when I was surrounded by friends and I didn't feel alone. I know this is the kind of bullshit I should write in my journal, but seriously; I've neglected my blog for so long I thought I ought to offer something real.
Upstairs I have my best friend from high school. She is amazing: Funny, adorable, happy, hilarious. Everything you could want in a best friend, right? No. Because in a few minutes I'll have my best friend from college here, and she will be amazing, adorable, happy, hilarious. They are all beautiful, fun, flawed but in a good way and the only difference is me. What the fuck? I feel like a slob, a loser, a weirdo. I come off as all these good things because I want to.. or better yet, I imitate - I'm just me, but better because I'm playing this or doing that. I'm always busy because I don't want anyone to wonder about me - Why I don't buy new clothes, for instance (insecurity with weight) - or why I don't I do anything but laugh ("I'd hate to be there when the laughter stops" -Friends) or why I crumble every time someone offers me a real relationship - what the fuck is wrong with me? I can think of a million answers, of course, but I know the real one.
It's about time I shut up and went to bed.