While reading the paper (they should have made the motto "the easy-to-read-on-the-train one") this morning, I was fairly groggy. I noticed a few peculiar and/or hilarious things in it, but I put it down because I thought I was just tired. While driving through New Mexico in the middle of the night my friend Jeff thought the white lines in the middle of the road were bunnies jumping in front of the car, so now I believe those lack of sleep hallucination stories.
Anyway, I picked it up again later and just laughed and laughed. I was totally right! The paper was crazy today! You may or may not see all of these as being as funny as I did. I'll provide commentary where necessary. Here's a taste, in no particular order:
1. "Italian leader: China once used babies as fertilizer"
2. "Neighborhood living in fear of woman's cat"
3. "Michael Schiavo: I had decided to give up fight" - then why
are you still milking the media, a-hole!
4. "Elders: Divorce while asleep is still valid"
5. "Matchmaker sued for not finding date for married man"
6. "'Policy geek' also rides Harley, likes to bowl" - referring, of
course, to President Bush's new chief of staff
7. "Don't treat L snackers like criminals" - This was actually a
featured letter to the editor, but I thought it counted.
I actually feel the need to include the first few lines of this one:
"On Thursday night, March 16, two friends of mine boarded the Red Line during rush hour on their way home from work. One of them, poor lamb, unaware of the severity of his actions, ate a Cheeto on the platform. Emboldened, he stepped on the train and ate another one."
Then there's some yada, yada, yada where they were followed by the police and ticketed - whatev. It's hard to feel bad for someone who felt "emboldened." Anyway, here's the start of the last paragraph:
"I propose some snack-themed civil disobedience, a Frito Bandito flash mob on the train, all crunching simultaneously, drooling preservatives and yellow No. 5, demanding our uniquely American right to snack where and whenever we please without being issued nuisance tickets or hauled off to the joint like D.C. schoolkids."
WOW!!! We just found Chicago's newest writing sensation! This follows the proud tradition of people who absolutely refuse to finish their rambling, incoherent sentences, and I can only assume the letter writer has William Faulkner theme parties with her "poor lamb" friend. (Nevermind that I didn't include her actual argument - she can make fun of me in her blog any time she wants.) I just wanted to include this in my post because of the shining "show don't tell" writing the person probably learned while studying "english" so he or she could get a high-paying job at the English factory downtown.
8. "North Lawndale, Chatham to get Starbucks" - No way! This
reminds me of the Onion headline about Starbucks setting up Starbucks in
bathroom of existing Starbucks.
9. "Enron readies defense" - Hey, it gave me a little chuckle
My favorite, number 10, needs a little explanation. It has nothing to do with the actual story or headlines, but, while reading it consider: Don't you think the head and the subhead should have been switched? Maybe?
10. "Suspect: I slapped, choked girlfriend" Subhead - "But has
denied drowning her 3 kids in Clinton Lake"
It almost sounds like an afterthought, or some "No purchase necessary" detail that would be sped up in Pro Tools on a radio commercial.
[Some people call me space cowboy]