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[Verrrrry Funny]
I fully understand that in every time period people always think that the world is going down the shitter. I know that during World War II people in Europe and Japan probably really did think the world was coming to an end. But either in an effort to join the "Woe is us"/"Doomsday is coming" tradition or simple to provide some laughs from an otherwise disheartening reality I present to you:
TOP STORIES IN THE NEWS TODAY
A Bush Administration Reader
1. "Largest. Profit. Ever." (Headline: Chicago Tribune) - Exxon Mobile reports the highest single-year profit ever by any company ever ever, but the company assures "consumers" it hasn't been gouging (Rising heating costs and $3/gallon gas at 10 cents/gallon profit for them) because it didn't make that much more than other companies that have been not gouging.
2. "Mine safety Rules Considered." (Headline: Washington Post) - Because this is the year 1850, and they just haven't thought of that yet.
3. "Alito is Confirmed for Supreme Court in 58-42 Vote." (Headline: New York Times) - Proving once again that no matter how small and shriveled Republicans' balls are, Democrats' balls are still colder.
4. "100th British Soldier Killed in Iraq." (Headline: News.com.au) - A foppish Blair says he is 'deeply saddened' by the news of the 100th death in Iraq, which is especially significant for the country since that is about half of its troops, not counting the naval fleet.
5. "Kraft Slices 8,000 jobs, 20 Factories." (Headline: Chicago Tribune) - But it's okay, because they saved $750 million! Nevermind that they just slashed 393 jobs in Niles, investors "cheered the cuts in after-hours trading, driving Kraft's stock up 70 cents"! Velveeta shells and cheese, woo! Philip Morris cigarettes, woo! Clever headline while describing the complete decimation of hundreds of lives , woo!
6. "Evangelical Branch Out Politically." (Headline: L.A. Times) - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
7. "The Canary Islands, a Great Place to Get Lost." (Headline: L.A. Times) - Sorry, I'm still recovering from that last one.
8. "Off to Pluto At Last." (Headline: TIME magazine) - Actually watching hundreds of billions of dollars shoot off from the earth in a massive stream of smoke. Hell, maybe we're wasting hundreds of billions of dollars on a lost cause that no one is actually sure will result in anything, at least we're not hiding it this time.
9. "I Spy...Does President George W. Bush have the power to allow spying on U.S. citizens?" (Headline: TEEN Newsweek) - We are now going to leave questions like this up to teenagers.
10. "Bush Pushes Health Reform." (Headline: Forbes.com) - Because he hasn't fucked everything else up enough already.
[And the WB frog shuffles off the stage]
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