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name: Alicia
age: 24
screenname: cryztalina, since 8th grade and going strong
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Monday, December 12, 2005

[take your tears, put 'em on ice]

Basically every year since I have been interested in boys I have had one overarching, out of control, love of my life crush. When I was younger the crushes usually went along with the stipulation that they didn't know I existed, in high school they usually were my boyfriends and by college it had changed into something more confusing. Having someone who I have contact with that ranges from flirting to sex, but never led where I would have wanted it to at the time, i.e. love of a lifetime or some crud. It's been a good lesson for me every time, and every time I grow exponentially as a person and in knowing what I ultimately want from a boyfriend, if I ever have one again. All exaggerated nihilistic statements aside, the last two pretty much decimated me in terms of a desire for a relationship. I chose them without consciously realizing that what I wanted was something I couldn't have, and then when I couldn't have it I was devastated. But then, some point between my last big crush/love and today, I stopped really wanting a boy again.

So I've returned to my old ways - fun and fancy-free, happy to be independent and glad I haven't ever been tied down to any boy while I've been learning to be me in these formative college years. So, yeah. Independent, woo.

Enter senior year crush.

Holy shit! I forgot how fun it is to be crushing! He's everything I've always wanted and more: friendly, gorgeous, receptive to my jokes and, the most important thing, totally unattainable! This last fact is what makes me feel so good about this crush, and makes me view every other crush in my past as an amazing learning experience. Instead of being totally heartbroken or feel rejected because he will never be mine, I feel liberated. I am happy he is unattainable. Not even in the, "Oh, he's hard to get so that makes him attractive" way (which is, of course, still very true). No, it's more like, now that I have this big crush, the pressure is off. I'm never concentrating on the fact that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm filling that time daydreaming about this new boy.

And the fact that nothing will ever really happen is comforting now that I'm this far along in college - the truth is, I'm way too busy for a boyfriend. This recently became less of a lofty idea of why I'm single and more of an iron-clad reality, when a starting relationship with a different person quickly fizzled because we couldn't find more than one night of time to hang out every week. So it's actually perfect that I would find someone that I could never have, for various reasons. He is perfect because I can't have him.

So, for now, I'm just going to doodle our names together in margins of notebooks and blush every time he looks at me. And it will be hilarious.


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