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[Sounds like something you'd hear on the 700 Club]
I've never really understood my mom the way I have recently. I wrote a whole diatribe about it, a whole personal monologue on why she's the most important person in the world, and how I love her, and how I understand my own personal relationships so much better even now just because I figured that out. But I barely give anything to my zine nowadays, and that's a precious morsel that I will guard carefully from the Internet. Even as I write that, I realize I have to put something out. So.
One thing I've realized very recently is one of my best friend's relationships with her mother is the most important thing in the world. I mean, to her, of course, but she never makes a big scene about it. But we're about to embark on the adventure that is life, I suppose, the one that is outside of school (the one we have never experienced) where "they won't spoon-feed you), and we're changing day by day, in a way we never did. I grasped at her in the wrong ways for a couple of weeks, and now, no matter what happens, my realization about my own relationship with my mother has finally opened me up to why she is the way she is, why she acts the way she does. I love her so much, just like she loves her mom and her mom loves her and my mom loves me and their moms love them...it's a good cycle, the kind I've finally begun to understand, the kind that other people always did. The kind that other people don't realize they understand at all, but they do; they do and they prove it with their actions. It's about missing someone in your heart, the way I never did - I mean, when I left I never looked back, the way that my mom always said I did and should - "never miss me until you're on the way home" - but for Mandy it was different. Her mom is such a part of her, not that mine isn't, or that anyone's else's isn't for that matter, but I mean a part of her future in a different way. And I finally see that, their love, and my own mom and my own love for my mom...and I don't care how sappy it is...but I can feel my mom around me now, in all of my actions, as I prepare to step in to "the real world"...I don't know if Mandy sees it that way but now I do...I do see it that way...and it's so amazing. When I lay on her pink pillow and wish she wasn't at work, or when we go to work and school at night, not thinking anything of it because that's the way life goes..it just does, it goes. Each tick of the clock makes me think of her right now, because I'm pondering it, each tick makes me wonder what we'll do when our time is up together - will I see her? Will she remember me, except for laughs? Will I really be there in the end? I don't know, and now I finally understand my mom, and really hers too, because I finally understand, in a way, what it's like to wonder about the future, and something you've put time into. But I don't understand on the level that either of our mothers do, and I don't yet know whether I will...but I think about it anyway. I am sorry to Mandy for not understanding her relationship with her mother until so late in the game, and I'm sorry to her mom for the same thing, and I'm so sorry to my mom for never giving her the credit she deserves - my rock, my savior, my instigator, my hero.
[Going through growing pains]
Schoolbag in hand
She leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye
with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go
with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter -
That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind?
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes
Her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake
I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone
There's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt
I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures?
The places I had planned for us to go?
Well, some of that we did
But most we didn't
And, why, I just don't know
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind?
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers -
Schoolbag in hand
She leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
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