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[A silent thank you]
It's this song, this song that it motivating me to, quite literally, do everything. I haven't heard it except in passing until this moment, and, hell, it was always when I was drunk out of my gourd and sometimes worse, and it was usually too too late in the night to comprehend it anyway.
So, this song, it's gorgeous, perfect; one of those conviently concocted little moments in your life that is explained in chords and passionate words. I thought it was about something totally different when I heard it once. It was like, I don't know, every nice unrequited love song I've ever subscribed to. But this is different, and I had no idea. And it's just dredging up all this shit, all this stuff that makes me want to hug every single person I love, RIGHT NOW.
While I can't hug you, or any other person I love because at the moment I am clutching a bottle of Beam, I want to put this feeling in words as best I can before I forget it in a haze of drinking. It makes me miss a future and a past I never had. It makes me question every single memory, for a totally different reason than you are probably expecting.
I look at my past through the same lenses I have to put on when I wake in the morning - my eyesight is far from 20/20, and, though my mom is still a genius when she says it is, hindsight isn't 20/20. Because the thing I'm realizing is that maybe while I had to change from glasses to contacts the world was different somewhere between those, or maybe I'm taking this metaphor too far, but when I listen to this song I realize the past isn't as clear as I think it was. Anyway, I digress, per usual.
I heard this song as a love song but, upon hearing it closer, I realize it's something totally different - though it's still about love. It's about a situation that makes me want to hold my sister to my chest and let her cry. It's a lyric that makes me want to listen to my brother talk for hours until his mouth is dry from it, because it relieves pressure for him. It makes me want to visit my mom every weekend because she has had so many years of hardship when no one was willing to listen to about, and all she wants is to be surrounded by love - and I've been too selfish now and again to give it. It makes me want to sit outside of my grandma and grandpa's house as they sleep into old age because it comforts them that I am just there. To hold Jenny and Mandy, tell them how much I never realized, that I had been seeing it from my perspective when or if things ever got hard, and that I never realized that they were doing the same, and we were just coming at the problem from our own positions, but in the end it was all because we care and because there is love to solve the problems that were there - through good or ill.
It makes me want to tell every other precious person in my life the same thing, shit, I never fucking realized the most simple thing in the world: I am always coming at problems and hardships and even happy situations from my own perspective and I'm hardly ever seeing it through the other's eyes...how foolish I've been! I rarely use fucking exclamation points, but this is for real. Like someone at work when I get irritated: Well, shit, they've been there all day, too. Why should they come from my point of view? It's so mundane and cliche, but tonight I am thinking of the world in a totally different way - i.e. anyone else's.
It's just so many things, like putting yourself in someone else's shoes in a way that I never even realized - even though it's something my mom and dad taught me before I could talk. How simple, how relevant and how sad that I'm not equipt at all times to just see things this way. I am lame, and I'm a weirdo, bitch, stupid, self-involved.
***
I saw him wail this song, just jump over all his furniture with his best friends in the world, this enigma that I once confused as a lover. His passion for what he saw as a "summer song" is not lost on me; it's just one more person a bit older, wiser and with a not often appreciated life sense than me that I have to thank for an epiphany.
For your own amusement and/or enlightenment, here is the lyrics to the song. When I heard it I didn't even understand the lyrics, and all I want to impart is... well, I just love. There's a lot written here, and I know all about it, even though it's hard. I am an example of every person I meet that have no idea, same as me: A person who is a perfect example of someone who has a lot of uncomfortable history that they never mention.
Black - Okkerville River
I'm coming into your to your town. Night is falling to the ground, but I can still see where you loved yourself before he tore it all down. April 12th, with nobody else around; you were outside the house (where's your mother?), when he put you in the car, when he took you down the road.
And I can still see where it was open, the door he slammed closed. It was open, the door he slammed closed. It was open, long ago.
But don't lose me now, don't lose me now. Though I know that I'm not useful anyhow, just let me stick around while I tell you, like before, you should say his name the way that he said yours. But you don't want to say his name anymore. Oh, Cynda Moore.
Baby daughter on the road, you're wrapped up warm in daddy's coat. And I can still see the cigarette's heat. I can't believe all that you're telling me, what is cutting like the smoke through your teeth as you're telling me "forget it."
But if I could tear his throat, and spill his blood between my jaws, and erase his name out for good, don't you know that I would? Don't you realize that I wouldn't pause, that I would cut him down with my claws if I could have somehow never let that happen?
Or I'd call, some black midnight, fuck up his new life where they don't know what he did, tell his brand-new wife and his second kid. Though I tell you, like before, that you should wreck his life the way that he wrecked yours, you want no part of his life anymore. Oh Cynda Moore.
Don't lose me now, let me help you out. Though I know that I can't help anyhow, when I watch you I'm proud. When I tell you twice before that you should wreck his life the way that he wrecked yours, you want no part of his life anymore. And it'll never be the way it was before, but I wish that you would let me through that door. Let me through that door.
[when i watch you I'm proud, and I just break down and cry]
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