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[ego-tripping]
I am finally starting to look at things from others' perspective again, and it's pretty embarrassing. But it's good for me, you know? To realize that I am especially good at wearing people out. That it's not just the alcohol - it's my personality. I'm going through growing pains, I know, and I think I'm all right with it. It's just strange that I am always the kind of person who realizes things are going on when they are actually happening. Why can't I be like others, who learn from mistakes as they smile serenly from a high plateau, when they're all past it? I am grasping at my own heart as it beats on my sleeve, trying to move it out of the way, serving myself up for heartache and failure even as I learn and grow from the experiences. It's basically being melodramatic and too mature for my own good all at once - a strange kind of combination to have in one young body.
As far as friendships go, however, I am settling down again. It's only been a couple of weeks of my analyzing this time - isn't that better? I realize that I always have been one of Mandy's very best friends, and same with Tricia and anyone else to boot - I have been important to people, I've just been demanding the impossible...to be #1. This is a very good thing for me to realize, in case I have buried the sentiment in too much introspection. So here's that:
***
I thought I was smart
I thought I was right
I thought it better not to fight
I thought there was a virtue in always being cool
so when it came time to fight I thought I'll just step aside
and time would prove you wrong and that you would be the fool
I don't know where the sun beams end
and the star light begins it's all a mystery
Oh to fight is to defend
if it's not now then tell me
when would be the time that you would stand up and be a man
for to lose I could accept
but to surrender I just wet and regretted this moment
oh that I - I was the fool
I don't know how a man decides whats right for his own life
it's all a mystery
Cause I'm a woman not a girl
there are things you can't avoid
you have to face them when you're not prepared to face them
If I could I would
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