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[I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow]
There's been so much impersonal, harried -- what, important? -- writing going on lately. I have neglected the other kind, that quest to dig so deep as to scare you and me. I hope I haven't disappointed, so here comes some of the real stuff.
For the first time in 3 years I met a boy that I could potentially have an actual relationship with. I've been screaming up and down to anyone who listens about my lonliness, about how I would welcome a chance to have that familiarity. Now here it is, right here and more than accessible... and what the hell am I doing with it? Well, here we go.
So, of course, I realized it all, all over again, as usual. This totally ridiculous tendency to find random faults with people, to convince myself that it would suck to not be able to do what I want with whoever I want. And then there's the other, more upsetting issue. The idea that this interesting, funny, attractive, gentlemanly and kind boy is increasingly more interested in me and I am measuring him up to an unattainable ideal.
The most distinguishing characteristic about my unrequited loves is the complete unlikelihood of me ever having them. Not due to the fact that they are obviously unrequited, but because for many reasons we just can't be together, like space or time. And this realization makes me look to my relationship-crushing behavior in a different light -- could it be I'm just trying to create another uncatchable love? Am I pushing this guy just far enough away that he will write me off, so that I can go after him with that fervor I usually approach love with?
Or is it something different, something sadder. Is it really that I convinced myself to devote energy to other pursuits, like work or school? Is that really what keeps me up nights wishing I didn't keep up nights?
To a certain extent, despite my pushing this new person away because of it, I have cause to thank for the situation. I spend time doing every possible thing I can. I spend spare moments dreaming of the future, the ever-present and ever-bright future, where I will be and what amazing things I can be doing. That's what keeps me working 70 hours a week, plus school. That's why I do all of the extra radio, zines, writing, queries, etc. to keep as busy as possible. That's why I get no sleep, why on the weekends I push myself to party, to experience. Everything is about The Now, especially because I'm young. I smile to myself in the crowd, swaying on the train, because I like it this way.
I have all these new realities being presented to me every day. I am in a position that I have worked (and am still -ing) very hard to get to, where I have a lot of amazing options on what I realisitically can do after college. And though that's a year and a half away, I can't help but isolate myself from the distraction of love and/or a relationship. Why tie myself to something that I believe will consume a part of me? Will it change my course? Do I want it to?
The hilarious thing -- and you know I like funny -- is that I'm doing just what I said I would do with a possible relationship-- pushing it away with both hands. As much as I appreciate irony, I want to punch myself in the face. What's my deal? And, more importantly, what should I do? Should I go for the change because I know on some level I need it? How can I tell if I'm settling if my ideal is too impossible to ever get anyway? Is taking less than impossible settling? Am I an asshole for pushing away near-perfection?
But in another way, the relationship way, I have been helped to become more self-centered. In a dilemma like the one I'm facing now it isn't necessarily a good thing, but in the future, well, "Bon Voyage." Love is precious, but so is time.
[Boys, you all want an Aries.]
P.S.
I'm so glad that my memories remote
'cause I'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note
here it is the revenge to the tune
you're no good, you're no good, you're no good
can't you tell that it's well understood
I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on
I'm tired
looking out on the substitute scene
still going strong
XO, mom, it's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong
tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone
in the place where I make no mistakes
in the place where I have what it takes
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow
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