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name: Alicia
age: 24
screenname: cryztalina, since 8th grade and going strong
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Saturday, September 11, 2004

[The saddest girl to ever hold a martini]


It's become glaringly obvious that no matter how much I don't try, wait around, and then subsequently get fed up and try really hard - a relationship isn't coming my way. I have come up with 6 actual theories and/or absurd reasons why this is true.

1.) I am doomed to remain a beast for all time

In and around puberty I was never really the girl people "liked." In fact, if I were one of those "check yes or no" notes sent in grade school I would be a big box checked "maybe." I mean, sure, I had a unique style or was smart - whatever the boy's particular flavor - but I was never enough of any of them to warrant the walking down the hall together and giving up of other pointless crushes. But I could be funny, so it didn't really matter and I had lots of boys as friends. I was the one who passed the note to your crush for you.

This is my situation. It might be a slight exaggeration to consider myself a "beast", but when you're in junior high and are insecure, awkward and stupid-looking it is devestation. Though I am conscious of the fact that I am no longer quite so overlooked, I don't think my id has really accepted it.

2.) I am one picky bastard

You are more than welcome to sit here and read this soggy epistle to avoid doing whatever it is you are procrastinating on, but don't you go feeling sorry for me. Not for one minute. Because the truth is I have had opportunities to eliminate the lonliness. For over 3 years I have never given in. And do you know why? Because I am a damn picky bitch!

My sister said that it's good that I'm picky, that if I wait someone is going to come along that will be everything I want in that part of my life and I will have a good relationship. But she doesn't have to listen to me bitching and moaning about how lonely I am for weeks at a time. I move to dismiss her opinion.

I'm not really picky in a Jerry Seinfeld way. I don't mind weird physical features or personality quirks or status questions. But I've been playing my "I'll know it when I see it" card for too long now to have it actually be true. I want it all, and then some, and in this way I am completely unique. Completely unique. No I do not hear your cries.

3.) I'm actually in love with being alone

There are times when I wonder if I would even be cut out for a relationship at this point in my life. I mean sure, it would be nice to have someone to sleep with (BOTH ways and regularly, thank you) and to listen to and have listen to me, singular affection and all that - but then I get to thinking again. I wouldn't really want to give up partying. And I don't like the idea of someone being around me all the time, or really, even half the time. I couldn't make out with any boy I meet at a party or whatever... And plus there are all those things that you don't know about a person until you get really close but by the time you're that close its like an episode of Ren and Stimpy where they show you what a hairy mole looks like up close or whatever - the idea of that kind of disenchantment is terrifying. I'm pretty good at sharing but when it comes to my time I get so terrified it will be gobbled up for no good reason. There have been those relationships where you get so far into it that you don't notice how much time you're wasting just so you can get laid regularly or whatever... but then there's the passionate kind... I don't know. New paragraph.

I guess I'd probably be so busy pushing the person away with both hands that I wouldn't get to enjoy all that other good stuff as much as I should. Then again, I think it's the fact that I have all of these fears that I know are completely irrational and I just don't like that idea. I'd need so much space, and at the same time just the right amount of coddling... It's all very ridiculous and it makes me exhausted. With all this absurdity coming from my general direction I get to thinking maybe I just like to be alone.

4.) I won't compete

In order to get into a relationship you have to put yourself out there. But I have this policy where if I think even one person in my vicinity is also interested in a guy, I'll give up. I won't compete - it's not worth it to me. Maybe it's because I don't think I have the time or energy, or maybe I'm just scared of going out on that limb for nothing. Everyone's afraid of rejection, sure, but I'm so far out there most of the time that this is one arena I let someone else take the lead. Mostly they don't.

5.) I think I already love someone, and this person is completely unattainable

Which is convenient, because then I don't ever have to be faced with any of these decisions and I can go on living in my little box where no one can get close enough to touch me, really touch me, and no one can get close enough to change me - for good or ill.

6.) I'm a codependent control freak

Beyond all of this - and I have to dig really deep to have the courage for this one - I'm codependent. I'm so fucking scared of being dependent on someone like that again... I'm so afraid to let go of that control. I know me all too well. I pick the ones that suck me dry, that take all my energy and make it their own, and I'm left with scraps. And in a lot of ways, I love it. And that's sick, and scary. I love to be alone because I don't have to worry about that, I am lonely and it's my fault. It's no one else's responsibility to claim my lonliness, and so it can be easily taken care of, driven into distraction. With relationships there's this blurry line where you leave off and the other person begins... and frankly that's terrifying. Even when I do find someone, god, won't it be so hard to let go.

Now, don't worry everyone, I know that I am not the only person on the earth to feel this way. But you're reading my blog, so allow me the self-pity and what-have-you's. I know I'm ridiculous, and I know that when it's time, it will happen. I've gotten so impatient lately, waiting for love to bowl me over - but how can love surprise me if I'm looking for it everywhere? Mom says everything happens for a reason. And I do believe that, but I'm still going to feel sorry for myself. What the hell, right?

p.s. Whoever wrote "penis" and then laughed hysterically is my new god.

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