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name: Alicia
age: 24
screenname: cryztalina, since 8th grade and going strong
email: randomlifeinprogress@hotmail.com
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Monday, March 15, 2004

[A letter for Cali]

What's all this "that girl" nonsense? Let me tell you about it. It's being able to look good on paper. It's having a friend call who you haven't heard from in awhile and being able to tell them about all these interesting things you're doing, because you're trying to keep busy. But you won't tell them that because it would imply a reason to keep busy, imply a "why" and you don't want to have to delve into the "why" because its just empty, or lonely, or lazy, or drinking to pass away moments that you'll never be able to appreciate enough and you know that, which is even more depressing and so you drink more because its the only time you feel free from those ties. And then you think maybe for just a moment you can let go and just stop wasting every minute of 40 hours a week, just to afford... well, you don't even know anymore because you've been programmed since Day One to make that bacon, because you can't be normal if you don't. So that's what the drinking does, it allows you to dream about stopping the routine for a month or a day or a moment, long enough to go learn to surf and climb a mountain and have sex in open fields and learn ten languages. Just long enough to remind you of the REAL "real world," not the one in high school threats. But you feel too isolated all the time to ever go into that, and you're too busy besides. And it all can be very beautiful sometimes, really, so why not paint a prettier picture of it? The other side of the coin is the way the city looks at night when listening to a CD on the way home from work, or seeing your name in print and being proud to have made them proud, because you know they're trying so hard for you. It's actually liking the things that make you busy, it's dancing until your face hurts from smiling and being surrounded by the most gorgeous talented people in the world who don't even know it, not for a second, how important they are. So, of course that's what you'll say, when you have them on the line. Right?

If you want to you could be the thing that makes me smile when I'm by myself.

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