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name: Alicia
age: 24
screenname: cryztalina, since 8th grade and going strong
email: randomlifeinprogress@hotmail.com
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Tuesday, February 17, 2004

[pull up sock—one beat]

I'm not at all gloomy right now. I'm listening to the descendents, how could I be? This I assure you so that what comes next doesn't seem like mindless self-deprecation.

I am having a problem. It's called youth.

I'm very concious of the fact that I am a baby still, and I try to keep everything in perspective that way. But lately I've been feeling like maybe all of these actions which I attribute to youth aren't youth at all—maybe I'll be this way forever. I know it's youthful to assume that something will never go away, and I tell myself this. But it isn't that simple, of course.

I hate the feeling I get, that I get more and more, like "Shit, I've said to much again" and I have this nagging fear that this is the reason why no one thinks to strike up a conversation with me in classes or at shows or wherever. I'm just not mysterious enough, just too apparently young. Annoying.

And I tell myself that I'm getting better, that this is just another bout of melancholy, and I always bounce back from that, it just levels me out. But I'm afraid. I'm thinking maybe this behavior isn't just a phase. Maybe this is a personality I'm bound to for life, that will change only nominally as the years go by and experience punishes me. I'm afraid that I'm doomed to be a little too annoying, a little too excitable, a little too obvious, a little too honest forever. I'll never be able to drink with my family or go out with my friends without someone saying "Whoa, settle down." I'll always have to go up to people and interject myself into their conversations because, for one reason or another, they just don't think to approach me.

I'm willing to believe that my personal diagnosis is just as childish as my actions—that there is nothing more childish than saying "always", "forever" and "never."

But I guess that always goes away with age.

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