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[carefree adventure with change lurking in the wings]
I have been neglectful, and I am sorry. I got a diary (with a lock!) and have been using it daily to jot down mundane details of each day, lists of what food I've eaten, general pontification. Kind of ridiculous, I know, but I received said diary as a gift from my aunt who threatened - "Now that I'm older I wish I had been writing down every detail of my youth, because my memory is failing and I can't recall." Scary. But I am aware of the power of !CYBERSPACE! as well, so... here I am. For you.
I just started my second semester and have had a brief glimpse of my free time as it whizzes past my ear, flushes down the drain, is forgotten and/or lost. I don't really mind though because I had three weeks of monotony and sleep, and I'm about ready to get back. My first class of the week is the Columbia Chronicle, which is a rather exciting atmosphere. I will be writing a piece a week. Kinda makes me wish I hadn't taken two other writing classes. Ah, well. This is what I do: I write. Being beyond the busy that I am currently will definitely be an interesting experience.
Now, on to our regularly scheduled programming...
[Zombies are eating my brains]
I have this absolutely inescapable fear of zombies, body-snatchers and the like. But I also have this absolutely inescapable masochism that forces me to watch movies about these phenomena, followed by not sleeping or functioning for two-three weeks. Anyway, I watched 28 Days later, which isn't really even that great, but that doesn't stop me from being so scared I can barely go to my radio show (Random Radio w/DJ de Sade - 99.1 FM). During my sleepless nights staring at my bedroom door I came up with a theory. If ever zombies or something like them took over the world, I would be one of the last non-zombies alive. It's because of the way I play Dodgeball. Allow me to explain. Stay with me here.
When I play dodgeball I stand in back and let everyone else get out until I am forced into the fight in lieu of no other team members. At this point lighting will strike (because I have all the balls on my side)(no pun) and I will lob a ball over to someone who isn't paying attention because they don't think I'm worthy of it, and they will get out. This will bring one of my team members back, etc.
Applying this theory to human destruction by zombies, I would just be hiding somewhere. I may not be a good fighter, or lucky, or even a minority - but I would be in the movie because I am a GD scaredy-cat. DO NOT underestimate my ability to sit completely still in one place with my eyes wide open for hours upon hours, perhaps even days.
One snag in my plan is that I wouldn't be able to abandon my family and friends, but anyone who decided to stick with me and act like a rabbit who freezes in front of a predator would survive too. Eventually I would come out of hiding and one of three things would happen:
1.) I would find that one badass who survived by weaponry and skill, and they would take care of me because they were in need of human contact and/or sex.
2.) Lightning would strike and the zombies (or zombie-like creatures) would be outsmarted by some random shit that only I would do in that type of situation (perhaps pretending I was a zombie, too, or something equally absurd) and I would find that goddamn laboratory or wherever safety is... or (most likely)
3.) Die immediately, just slightly later than everyone else.
I don't know if my theories are true, and hopefully I would never have to prove them, but I have a feeling I would survive due to my ability to wait shit out while holding my breath and slowly giving myself a heart attack.
Besides, the zombies wouldn't bother with me anyway, just like the kids in dodgeball. I'd probably just sneak by the peripheral-zombie vision and grab an explosive - "Hey, guys? What's this?"
Those suckers will never see me coming.
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