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MY GRAND LETTER
This song was right for us then, and I see now how very true it always was, it was always there, it always is, the most important things are always underneath your nose and it makes you feel all the more a fool when you discover the truth.
I am sick and tired of turning everything into fodder for my "art", I'm tired of sacrificing everything in my life to this --- this. this moment living for what I can make it into later. Sacrificial. Casualties. And I never wanted YOU to be that way, I wanted you to be what I thought you were, not another poem in the last pages of my zine, a passing mention of something so important, so much more important than friends.
And I don't know if you read this, I don't know if you know how broken I was, how important the little details really are, what a broken heart feels like when it isn't attached to sex at all, when dependency gives way to... void. I've never wanted you to feel the pain, or pity. I've realized it's true, and I tried to hide that because I never recognized it for what it was - honesty.
I don't want to lose you. It gets so important, and then so trivial, and then I don't care, and then I do, and it's all so confusing, for both of us. And I know that every time I listen to certain songs my heart will ache to be near yours, and every time I think of certain things I will want to put a knife in both of them. And that's honest too. Because I cannot "shrug off a minor incident." Because it was not. And it never will be.
And, God, do I miss you.
She comes out of closets every night
But then she locks herself away
Where she could keep everything from me
I could have been anyone you see
American girls are weather and noise
Playing the changes for all of the boys
Holding a candle right up to my hands
Making me feel so incredible
She took almost everything from me
I could have been anyone you see
I wish it was anyone but me
Nothing but pills and ashes under my skin
Yeah, you made me cry
You made me cry
Hey, Miss American Girl
Oh, oh, oh, yeah
I don't have any control over my random life. And I don't have any control over anyone else's random life. These are things that happen, things that happen to us all between bars and skies and lonely nights and laughter. Between sleep and bedding and waking life. This is us.
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